Am I Enough???
Going through this journey I realize that I have to spread myself very thin. I have to be a wife to my husband. Making sure that I don't forget to let him know how much he means to me, making sure I tell him how much I love him and still trying to find a way somewhere in between work, school, and the rest of life for US.
As a sister, aunt, daughter, and friend am I able to give back to the people I love. Can I rejoice in their joys, cry during their sorrows, & give direction when needed? How do I do this NOW? With all that is going on in MY life.
Then as a mother am I giving enough to Mylah? Some days I find myself staring at her in amazement. Amazed at her strength, determination, and complacency. She has no idea what is going on around her. She is so content. I wonder does she know how much I love her? How much I care for her and that I would do anything in my power to provide for her and to make sure that she has the life that she deserves.
There are moments however when I need a break from all of it. I just want to get away and not carry the load with me for a day. How do I do that and feel like a HORRIBLE mother? How can I be enough for ME?
When I don't feel like picking her up, why does it make me feel like I'm neglecting her. When I hold her for 5 minutes, but put her back in her crib, I feel like I'm harming her in some way. When I rush out to go to the store I'm happy to get away, but soon after I'm ready to be back at home because I need her to know that I care for her and would never abandon her.
I feel guilty about leaving Mylah, but I want to get away. How is this possible to feel 2 different emotions at the same time. Then I think maybe I'm not giving enough as a mother. No matter how much I clean the house to try and shield her from germs, buy her things, smile at her, kiss her cheeks, stretch her arms to make her laugh, go to work to provide, attend school so that I can obtain the degree needed in order to make more money, no matter how late I stay up to make sure she has what she needs, and no matter how many phone calls & emails I send to the various pharmacies, medical supply companies and physicians to make sure she has everything she needs medically I still feel like I'm cheating her out of something. I'm just not sure what it is IF it's anything at all. All I know is that I feel bad.
It's very hard to know that I'm doing all I can for her when I constantly feel like I should be doing more.
It's also hard because in doing the things that I need to do I feel guilty about doing those things.
Then in between all these mixed emotions, in between the Trach changes, vent check's, tube feedings, Trach care, Gtube care, and diaper changes among other regular baby things I'm supposed to make time for myself and my husband, my family and friends. When someone finds the recipe for that I wish they'd pass it along.