A Letter to My Daughter...

                                                                                    Thursday, March 22, 2012

Dearest Mylah,

The time has come… Finally we will get to meet each other face to face. It’s been months of anticipation that has led us to this moment. I will finally get to see the beautiful blessing that has been growing inside of me for the last 9 months.  I’ve often tried to picture what you will look like. Who will you favor most; your father, myself, or maybe one of your grandparents? What type of personality will you have? How big will you be? What size will your feet be? Will you have a crown full of hair, because honestly the heartburn killed me the entire pregnancy!

It’s been a long journey to this day.  Your father & I prayed for you. Before we knew YOU, we prayed for a child that would bring joy to our lives. We prayed for a child that we could call our own and one that we could shower with love each & every day! God made us wait! He made us wait almost 2 years for you, all the while preparing us for this day.  He began growing you inside of me when he felt it was necessary. 

The day I found out I was expecting you I really didn’t know how to feel.  I’d been waiting so long for you but there was much pain in that time that I thought I would never be a mother.  It took a while for me to fully realize what was happening inside my body. On July 15, 2011 when I went for the appointment to confirm the pregnancy, you were what they called a “yolk sack” inside my womb. There were no physical features that resembled a baby. 

I remember trying to decide if I would tell anyone. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I wanted to tell your father in my own special way but I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold the secret for too long.  I went and bought a baby shirt, card and put the pregnancy test in a plastic bag (LOL). I gave it to him one night after he played basketball. I remember the look of shock on his face when he read the card that said “You’re going to be a wonderful dad”. I’d waited 2 years to deliver this news to him and it gave me so much pleasure to tell him that he would finally have someone to call him “daddy”.

I remember telling your grandparents. Your grandmother (Ya-Ya) screamed so loud when she read the card I made telling them that our family was getting “bigger”.  She didn’t let your Grandpa see the card and he wondered what she was screaming about. He read the card and the look of astonishment on his face is one I will never forget. He was so shocked. Everyone was so happy and I clearly remember seeing your Grandpa with tears in his eyes. They knew how much this meant to us because they had been there for us while we struggled to conceive you.

A month later your Father, Aunt Toya, and I went back to the doctor and we heard your heart beating. It was the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. It was then that I was able to accept that a baby was growing inside of me.  

I knew you would be a girl from the beginning. No matter how many times I daydreamed about going to the park with my baby, the child I pushed in the stroller and caught at the bottom of the slide was always a girl.

I made it through the 1^st trimester with no problems. The only time I got sick was the day I found out I was carrying you.

The time came for us to get the ultrasound that would assess your anatomy. Dr. Walsworth wanted to make sure you were growing like you were supposed to and maybe just maybe if you were in the mood you would show us what you were!

I scheduled the appointment on my 31^st birthday, October 19, 2011. I felt that this was the best birthday gift I could have ever received. It was during this visit that we found that you had a couple things against you.  My love grew for you that very moment. That night I researched into what your condition could be. I found that you had many characteristics of a baby with Trisomy 18 but the statistics and stories I saw were so sad that I prayed you weren’t diagnosed with this disorder. The following Monday my worst fears were confirmed and the doctors diagnosed you with Trisomy 18. 

While I researched Trisomy 18 most things that I came across said that babies born with this chromosome abnormality were considered “incompatible with life” and most didn’t make it to their 1^st birthdays.  I began to worry and cry.    I prayed for you and was so hurt that doctors were giving us the option to terminate our pregnancy.  In that moment I think you heard the doctors and I think you felt how upset I was so you kicked me. You hadn’t kicked me at all before and I know it was GOD telling me to FIGHT for you.  I told the doctors that I didn’t care about your heart defect, it was still beating strong; I didn’t care about your clenched hands, I knew that meant you were a fighter; your brain defect didn’t matter to me. You were my baby, the baby that I asked GOD to give me. I loved you so much more in that moment and I was ready to put on my running shoes and run this race along with you.

I asked GOD to give me the strength and to guide my steps. 

They said you wouldn’t live in my womb; your heart is still beating, you are moving, and you continued to grow.

They said you would probably come early. As I write you this letter I am past my due date of March 15.

As your daddy & I and the rest of your family prepare to meet you on tomorrow, all I can do is wonder what else have they said you will/won’t do and how will you show them that they are wrong. For all the ones who counted you out because of Trisomy 18, I pray that you can show them that statistics and numbers don’t mean anything.  I pray that the medical community wakes up and sees that babies like you are fighters and that the LOVE that surrounds you helps you keep going.

I pray that GOD uses you remove the doubts from so many.

You are my special baby, my 1^st born, my daughter, my little fighter and I look forward to the hour when we will meet so that I can kiss you and say “well done Mylah, you have already made mommy proud”

                                                Love your mommy!