My mother, Juwan & myself went to tour the 2 hospitals that I'm considering for delivery. "Enjoying my pregnancy" is becoming very hard these days. Not necessarily the enjoyment because I enjoy everyday that I carry Mylah inside my womb. The hard part is not knowing whats to come & the continuous roller coaster of emotions.
I went for the 2nd attempt at the 3D Ultrasound this past Wednesday. Since the first visit, I made a promise to myself to go to this appointment with no expectations. I didn't allow myself to become overly excited at the prospect of being able to view Mylah's face. After the last try I did some research and it seemed that the #1 suggestion to help babies move was to drink some orange juice. OJ is my favorite morning beverage after apple juice. However during my pregnancy, orange juice has become the culprit behind my acid reflux & heartburn so I only drink it if I must. I purchased the heartburn creator before I left work and guzzled while making my way to the appointment hoping that the sugar would make Mylah a little dancing machine.
While in the parking lot of the doctors office I prayed to GOD and asked if he would allow me at least a peek at my daughter. During the ultrasound once again Mylah's hands covered her face. DRAMATIC is all I kept saying (she gets that from her father). This time the tech advised that Mylah appeared to be breeched. Her head was against my navel & her bottom at my cervix & her legs folded up towards her face. "You've got to be kidding me" is all I could think in my head. The tech referenced the shots of Mylah from the week before and advised that she had indeed flipped because she wasn't breeched during my last visit. I wanted to cry. The last thing I wanted to think about was a possible c-section.
When I was in high school I was in a car accident which resulted in some internal bleeding and the removal of my spleen. I can clearly remember during my follow up visit my mother inquiring about my ability to have children after my surgery and the doctor advised her that I would have no problems. A few summers ago I attempted to have the Lap Band procedure. I went through the whole process; work up, doctors consultations, psych evaluation and was approved. Surgery was scheduled, I was prepped, went under and when I came to was advised that because of the amount of scar tissue in my abdomen the doctor could not perform the surgery as I had hoped. He said that my accident has caused so much internal bleeding that there was no way for him to do the surgery because it was elective. Because of this very reason my ob does not want me to have to have a c-section because it puts me at risk for complications.
When the tech said that Mylah was breeched nothing but worry filled my head. What if she doesn't flip? What if I have to have a c-section? What if because of the scar tissue my uterus is damaged, and I can't have anymore children? What if the c-section takes too long & Mylah passes?
My mind has been running a mile a minute since I got the news. I never knew that pregnancy could be so stressful. It's so easy for people to say "Oh she has time to turn around" but they obviously are not walking the journey I am. You try to stay positive and stay uplifted but it's very hard when you must take into account the reality of the situation.
While on the 1st maternity ward tour, I had a breakdown. I felt so out of place. I felt like I didn't belong to be among the other mothers who seemed so excited & concerned about baby monitors, delivery room appearance, nursery procedures, hearing screenings, blood cord donation etc. The only thing I could focus on was what's gonna happen to my baby? How are they going to approach the delivery of my child? Do they have the appropriate staff on hand to handle my Trisomy 18 baby? The tour made a stop at the "transition nursery"; it's where the newborns go for clean up after delivery while the mother bathes. The nurse held up a baby that had just been born within the last few hours and he was crying. He was so beautiful! Tears filled my eyes and the tour nurse glanced at me as they trickled down my cheek. I held my head down. In that joyous moment for that mother and the mothers who gazed at this newborn baby I felt nothing but pain and sorrow. I quickly dried my eyes so that I wouldn't catch the attention of the other mothers on the tour. Afterwards, I asked the tour nurse how they handled Trisomy 18 deliveries. She remembered me from the phone call I made last month when I inquired about the tour. Her answer was something I didn't want to hear; Bereavement services, 3 times a year memorials that we would be included in, and a great grief/loss program. So basically they are prepared for the death of my child.
After the tour was over all I could do was cry. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I come to this tour? As I was leaving to go to my car a lady rubbed my back and said "God Bless You". I contemplated going on the tour of the 2nd hospital. Only because I really did not want to be in the same situation I was just in. But I needed to see the facility to know where I would probably feel most comfortable delivering Mylah. I needed to find a place that would do what we wanted and provide a experience that was as comforting as it could be given the circumstances. I wanted a place that didn't just speak death. The 2nd hospital was a little more inviting and had a better "feel". After the tour when I asked about Trisomy 18 deliveries I was given the phone number to the NICU and encouraged to schedule a tour so that I could speak with someone about what to expect. Whats so funny is this facility is the same facility where we learned of Mylah's condition. After the meeting with the staff to confirm her diagnosis I was sure that I would not consider delivering my child there but it appears that this is probably the best place for us.
Time is winding down and we are approaching the day when we will meet our daughter. I'm sure these next 8 weeks will be full of preparation & anticipation. I'm just looking forward to the day when I can see her face.
|Mylah Roberta Perkins|