Been having some rough days lately. The tears never seem to stop flowing. I got out this weekend for a little retail therapy with my mom. It very hard trying to make myself enjoy something that I once loved to do, but of course my priorities have changed.
It felt like at every turn there was a woman who was pregnant happily moving about through the mall.
While we were trying to get pregnant I would look at pregnant women or women with their children & wonder if she is a good mother, does her child feel loved, does she know how lucky she is.
Once I got pregnant, the questions changed; "I wonder what she's having?", " I wonder if she's excited", I wonder if I'll look like her the further I go into my pregnancy?". Now with the Trisomy 18 diagnosis the thoughts again have changed, I just find myself staring; staring at the bulging bellies of the mothers in the shoe department, with not a care in the world. Staring at the mothers filling up their baskets in the children's department, preparing for the arrival of their newest baby. Wondering if I will ever have that happiness.
I had to force myself to buy Mylah some cute onesie's because I felt I had the right to, but felt guilty about the purchases later on. Wondering if I was setting myself up for a heartbreak, will she ever get to wear them? or will I have to make the painful trip to return them because she didn't make it.
It's very hard to stay strong & positive when the future is so uncertain. It's hard to put up a facade of happiness when deep inside the pain is so strong. We've gotten so many cards & so many have reached out to us its amazing! I find some solace in the many Youtube Videos & blogs from the parents of children who have Trisomy 18, 13, 21. I admire their strength & determination. Though most of the children in the videos & blogs have passed on to heaven, the time the parents shared with the children is priceless. I just hope I can be as strong as those parents have been.
Here is one of the videos that really made me smile & cry(tears of joy). It's inspiring & showing how these children have beaten the odds!